Human Frailties

I'll admit it. I am scared. We've been down this path before but today I am really scared. Maybe it's because every time before has been an emergency and there's been no time to dwell on what's over the horizon. The uncertainty. Not being sure of what's next.

You're not suppose to worry about immortality in your 50's, are you? Eighty is old. Not fifty three. Heart disease sucks. I hate it. And yet, in light of everything that has transpired since that first heart attack in February, we have been relatively lucky. Subsequent visits to the hospital via the emergency room by ambulance have resulted in promising results.

This time we've had a couple of weeks to dwell and ponder, wait and worry. Tomorrow yet another stent will be placed in an artery of my dear husband's heart. I think this is number 8. The what ifs are endless and frightening. I have loving family and a multitude of friends who share my concern. Yet, I feel so alone. Apprehensive and unnerved. I am not good at prayer as I am not sure I truly believe, but if crossing fingers, knees and toes counts - I'm covered.

At o'dark-thirty I'll get up and put on my brave face and accompany him to the hospital. Full of doubt and worry I'll smile, make small talk, reassure and kiss goodbye when they make me leave the procedure area... then, I'll make my way to that cold waiting room where I'll sit and hope it wasn't the last time....

Did I mention I'm scared?

::soap box::
IF YOU SMOKE, QUIT!
It's the number one cause of heart disease.